Grumpy Old Men On Bikes

....I'm having a good time.....I'm having a ball.  It would be easy to argue that I have earned my new freedom through 37 years of hard work but lots of people work hard so I must acknowledge a fair dollop of good luck.  My 10000 miles in 2015 attempt is off to a great start with a quarter done and the cycling 'season' really only just about to start.  Steve Abrahams is also well ahead of target and has done over FOUR TIMES my mileage. In a few weeks I am off to Basel to complete my reccie of the Bike Adventures Rhine route.  This is paid work so definitely exempts me from decorating for a while AND will put another 600 miles in the bank.  There are several more Bike Adventures trips to keep me busy through the season and swell the mileage coffers, as well as another 'biggie' adventure which will reunite me with Neil and see a long awaited return of Nobby to Grumpy Old Men productions.  Watch this space. Go to New Zealand!  It is a very long way and not cheap bu

I forgot to mention........half way to Stewart Island the boat stopped and a flock of bottle-nose dolphins put on the most incredible display just feet away.  There can be no doubt that these animals have a sense of play.  It was worth an hour of nausea!!! The Logical Song You will need the artist for the connection.  In NZ they call hiking 'tramping' and Stewart Island is primarily a tramping destination.  Apart from the tiny hamlet of Oban the island is one huge nature reserve with 2 long distance trails linked by overnight huts. Last night we made friends with a German stormtrooper who was enjoying a last night of civilisation before starting a  solo tramp around both routes.  No shops, no showers and, incredibly, no beer for TWO WEEKS!  Islands In The Sun The trip to Stewart Island was something of a whim but has proved to be a real end of trip treat.  Oban and the surrounding road network stretches no more than a couple of miles in any direction but we explored every inch.

Welcome to Stewart Island.  From here the only way really is up (north) - there is nothing between here and Antarctica. We were looking forward to a nice easy last day but NZ had other ideas. We woke to heavy rain, temperature barely into double figures and a whopping wind from the South West.....guess which way we were heading? It was 75 miles and we fought for every inch of it.  Eventually the rain cleared and temperatures improved slightly but the wind just blew and blew.  But we made it and, after the obligatory photo under the sign and a celebratory sports drink, we boarded the ferry. Well....err....when I say ferry I mean dinghy.  I was expecting a proper ferry but this was definitely a boat not a ship. Small boat.....choppy sea.....guess what? We have a private room in a hostel and now need a shower and more sports drink. We rode almost 1600 miles in 23 days with no rest days.  Given the terrain and the heavy gear this probably equates to 23 consecutive flat 100 milers and I am

This sums us up well.  We are happy because it was another beautiful, easy, sunny day and because we are now just one day from the bottom.  We are shiny because the Route 6 hotel in Lumsden has baths (the first we have encountered) and I have had a long soak with bubbles and feel clean for the first time since leaving home. We are more or less onto the southern plain now and there are no more hills to worry about. I had remembered the scenery as dull but it is lovely, just less dramatic than we have become used to. Ebony and Ivory Please excuse the photo of my naked limbs,  just thought you would like an example of the ridiculous tan that is the mark of a cyclist. I wasn't wearing any pants so be thankful I have a steady camera hand! When Tomorrow Comes We have a busy day tomorrow.  We must first ride 60 miles to Invercargill and scrounge 2 bike boxes then get these to the motel where we will stay the following night.  Then we must ride another 20 to Bluff and get a photo  under th

I understand that it is a bit nippy in blighty at the moment so please excuse the smugness - the forecast today was clear skies and high 20's......it didn't disappoint!   Wherever I Lay My Hat... .....or, indeed, pamphlet.  When we got to our hostel room there were 6 pristine beds and we each selected a bottom bunk, though Neil had to remove a couple of pamphlets from his.  We laid out our stuff then went off for dinner and when we returned Neil's stuff had all been moved and replaced with somebody else's.  We swopped it all back and went to bed, shortly to be confronted by a very cross lady ( let's say she was German since they are currently bearing the brunt of my xenophobia) who insisted that placing a leaflet on a bed reserved it.  We patiently explained that she was wrong...   OK, we told her to sod off.  A frosty night ensued. Reach For The Stars Our mission for the day was to cross the Crown Range on the highest paved road in NZ, requiring a 25 miles climb ov

The ride from Makarora to Wanaka was every bit as glorious as I remember, though a tad hillier.  It was a short ride and we were in with time to sunbath by the lake and watch the running stage of the Ironman.  It was interesting to compare the physique of bronzed ultra -athletes with.......some runners.  We won hands down. On the run into town be merged with the bike race and we PASSED A COMPETITOR.    Our delight in doing so was tempered by the realisation that we had taken a wrong turn and we had to sheepishly stop a.d turn back. Wanaka is a great little lakeside town and there is a carnival atmosphere.  We are in a 6 bed dorm room which is our least favourite sleeping arrangement but so far our only roomie is a pert German girl so it could be worse. Tonight's bid decision - steak or pizza.......maybe we can get steak pizza!!

This blog has been delayed by a lack of phone signal.  We have had nothing for 125 miles and are still some distance from a signal so have purchased internet wiffy in Makarora. In response to the killer bees the Germans have formed an axis of evil with South Korea to strengthen the invasion force.  The plucky South Koreans have taken most of Fox and had created a stronghold in the kitchen of our hostel.  Their army seems to comprise mostly catering corp and they were churning out Asian food (which apparently they just call food) in remarkable quantities and varieties.  They certainly don't have any cleaners in their number judging by the state of the kitchen this morning. It Ain't What You Do Yesterday lunch time we bumped into the local Catholic priest - Mike Mahoney.  His parish covers about 300 miles of the coast but this means a few small towns and only tens of thousands of people.  While chatting we discovered that he had led NZ's 1977 attempt on Everest. (in those da

If you are ever in Ross (a long shot, I know) you MUST visit the Empire Hotel.  No fake beams and mass produced 'artifacts' here - it is the genuine article, straight out of the 1800's. Unfortunately they made the mistake of doing a 10 quid eat all you can buffet last night and the place is now in receivership. Rule Britannia Today was 82 miles down the west coast with some big hills at the very end. We were magnificent and never more so than in the 20 miles after the coffee break.  A supported group of Mericans left the cafe 5-15 minutes before us so we hunted them down like dogs.  They had no gear but we still caught the last one after 8 miles.  On this trip we tend to average about 12mph but in those 20 miles, including a fair size hill, we made 15.8.  We are now in Fox Glacier (still no polar bear on a mint), camping because everywhere is full and pretty pleased with ourselves.  Our savings account is brimming and we have our required day in hand. Islands in the Stream

Missing pictures

Staying Alive If you we were hoping that the absence of an entry yesterday meant we had been crushed by a logging truck then I am sorry to report that we are alive and well. We did our heroic 88 miles to Punakaiki with only minimal whimpering. It is a Stunning ride, first through the Buller River gorge, then down the coastal highway and we had sun all the way. We celebrated our longest day with a rib eye and some sports drink. Gold Today turned out to be a measly 70 with plenty of flat in the afternoon so we are in Ross nice and early. Ross is/was a gold mining town and it seems to have hardly changed in the 150 years since the gold rush. We have a 20 quid cabin behind the pub; it is 'basic' (a Maori word literally translated as 'a bit crap') but, as I said, 20 quid! Tomorrow we are off to the glaciers. Animal Crackers Yesterday I saw a Waka - a flightless bird a bit like a small chicken. Now I know this is probably a bit dim but I had never really

The canny Germans have learnt a thing or two since the last unpleasantness.  Lightning war using Panzer divisions is great for gaining ground but does rather draw attention and eventually we Brits turn up a give them a slap.  So, for their invasion of NZ, they are using ground troops disguised as backpackers and tanks disguised as camper vans.  It is going pretty well; they have a firm hold on all major towns and the Kiwis don't even seem to have noticed yet.  Seriously, you wouldn't believe how many Krauts there are here. Brand New Day (or any other song by Sting) NZ's only response to the invasion has been to mobilise an army (air force?) of killer bees and wasps.  They have recruited a good number and their killing skills are second to none but there have been some nasty. Friendly-fire incidents.  Yesterday a wasp stung me on the hand and It hurt like hurty thing.  My left hand now looks like a bunch of bananas. We Are Family Our first 80 day went well with only two sodd

Yesterday we withdrew all our miles from the bank.  The idea was to have a very short ride to Wellington so we wouldn't need an early start and would not be under any pressure to make the ferry.  Since the ferry was 4.5 hours late this was hardly needed. So we are now penniless (err...mileless)  and still needing about 70 miles for our cunning plan.  Our solution is to do 80 per day for the next 4 days - a moderately ambitious target down the hilly west coast.  We will see how it goes. Some bonus tracks: I Should be so Lucky This morning Neil realised that an annoying rattle was being caused by a broken stay on his rack.  We bodged a repair which lasted 20 miles then it failed and the other stay broke too.  Bugger.  We were in the middle of nowhere and needed someone who could weld aluminium....not an every day skill. Buggering bugger.  It was Sunday. Double bugger with knobs on.  Within 1 mile we found a small marina with a shiny new marine engineering facility (ma

The boat sailed 4.5 hours late! I like New Zealand.  Quite a lot.  BUT there are a few things that need sorting out and here are some examples, plucked at random from my brain in the odd moment when I am not being spectacularly sick. Garden centres - these are always bad, horrible, evil places but somewhat redeemed by the normal inclusion of a nice cafe.  In NZ they have about 3 garden centres per head of population BUT NO CAFES.  This must be fixed! Cars - or more specifically young people's cars are stupid and a bloody nuisance.  They conform to a very precise code: - start with a Japanese hatch or coupe, preferably a Mitsubishi or Subaru - remove the tyres and just paint the rims black - further lower the car by removing the suspension - fit a huge, stick-on spoiler (something the size of an Airbus wing at the absolute minimum) - Take a very large empty can (an old galvanised dustbin would be perfect) and attach it to the exhaust - remove the brake and accelerator and replace bo

So what could be better than a nice sea voyage for the world's worst sailor?  Yup, gale force winds. We awoke to a freezing cold day (who said 'good,serves them right'?) and a fair old blow.  As the morning wore on it just got colder and windier.  It was only 30 miles to Wellington but we won ground more slowly than troops at the Somme.  Sometimes we peddled faster UP hill (sheltered from the wind) than down hill into the gale. On the outskirts of Wellington we found the almost perfect shop - a bike shop and cafe combined. All they need now is to incorporate a micro brewery and it will be a thing of wonder. Our ferry has been delayed 3.5 hours meaning we will be arriving in Picton past bedtime and we have several hours to kill in Wellington, so we have started a  crawl round the many bjke shops........though at the moment we have been lured into a brew pub. In due course we will head back to the ferry terminal at 100mph (the wind will be behind us) and get the sick bags rea

Woah, we're half way there...... Half the miles done, a little under half the days done and more or less half the islands done. Tomorrow we have an easy 32 to wellington and can have a rest for the afternoon while we cross the Cook Straight. Today was slightlylesshillythanusual and we made good progress, passing our intended stop and pressing on to Paekakariki - another magnificent 75 miles.  For the last few miles we had two options: The busy highway 1 or the cycle path through Queen Elizabeth Park.  Last year my group told me it was unrideable on road bikes so, naturally, we took this route. It IS rideable.........JUST!  There were a few vertical climbs on gravel, plenty of sand, some grass and goodness knows what else.  It would make a nice technical mountain bike section but on road bikes with 30lbs of crap it was interesting.  Occasionally I could hear faint bleating from my companion where the words 'highway 1' were distinctly mentioned but hey ho! We are al

Day 10 and our fantastic holiday is starting to feel like the day job.  Admittedly it is a pretty cool job but we have targets to meet and our daily routine is dictated by our mileage quota.  The big differences are that we have the most fantastic view from the office but the most uncomfortable office chair. Our sea-food pasta worked out ok and we had a relaxing evening watching crap TV before what seemed like a very short sleep.  Today was another cracker for weather and the cycling was superb.  We had to do a few quick miles on highway 1 before diverting onto a scenic back road.  For 30 miles we were up and down like a stripper's knickers but the views were stunning and the miles past easily.  A quick lunch in Kimbolton then it was a fast 30 miles to Palmerston North where we are camping by the river.  Today was a splendid 74 and we put a few more miles in the savings account. Time now for the team de-brief before a quick kip and getting back to work!

We had a so-so meal in the campsite restaurant then Neil let me thrash him at pool and we were all tucked up by 9pm.  The night was clear and we were at 3000 feet...i really must buy a better sleeping bag! WARNING  - smugness alert We awoke to the sort of day I imagine the bicycle was invented on - clear blue skies, not a breath of wind, snow-capped mountains in the background and a mostly down hill route ahead.  It was glorious and even when a stiff head wind sprung up in the late morning it was a stunning ride. END OF ALERT The length of our days is now entirely dictated by the availability of towns/accommodation and this was the second of a series of 'short' days at 64 miles.  We are in a motel in Taihape - The Gumboot Capital of the World, though I don't imagine that competition for the title was especially stiff.  Our motel room has a kitchenette ( can you add ette to the end of anything to describe a small version of something?) and we have ambitious plans for sea-foo

A day of three halves.  Our first 10 miles were spent slogging into a big headwind and I was a great big grumpy old Hector.  Then the sun came out, the wind died and we had a spiffing run down the side of Lake Taupo to Turangi where we had an early lunch.  The third half of the day was spent climbing into the Tongariro National Park, home to 3 volcanoes, one of which was active as recently as 1995. We are camping at a small site in the middle of wilderness, though they have a basic restaurant so we won't starve. We are now more than a third of the way with 8 out of 23 riding days completed.  We have cycled 564 miles and climbed almost exactly one Everest.....not bad for old fellas

The population on NZ seems to be divided into 4 general groups: The indigenous Mauri, though there has been some inter-breeding if you ask me. Tourists from Asia, mostly Japanese and South Koreans.  These are easily spotted thanks to their stupid hats and the fact that they are permanently taking selfies, often using special sticks that allow them to include a bit of background scenery. Brits.  Anyone with a 'white' face is a Brit.  Some are tourists, some are visiting friends or family, some are ex-pats and the rest are 'Kiwis' but when you probe a bit deeper they are always from British stock.  As is usually the case, these  'old' immigrants are up in arms about the latest wave of immigration from India and China which makes up the 4th group.  As cyclists we are very fond of the Indians and Chinese as they seem to run every food shop, bakery and cafe! Yesterday was a fairly easy 62 miles to Taupo following highway 1.  This main artery carries a fair bit of tra

We had a splendid dead cow for tea then retired to the TV room to charge gadgets and imbibe sports drink.  Unfortunately the tv was tuned to the Wellington rugby 7's where England were playing NZ in the final. We sat very quietly with a large crowd of kiwis but luckily we were thrashed so no punch ups. This morning we got up and cycled 82 miles.  Impressed huh?  Ok, it was flat (I mean properly flat, like they have in sensible countries) and there was a bit of a tailwind but 82 is 82.  We have a cunning plan which requires us to somehow get a day ahead of schedule and today we struck the first blow.  Instead of stopping in Matamata as planned we did another 20 and are in Tirau, a nothing place on the main Highway 1.  Tomorrow we will bypass Rotorua and head straight for Taupo which will put 50 miles in the bank. The ride today was lovely, very quiet roads, beautiful weather and hills everywhere except under our wheels. I am south of Hamilton (the site of my humiliation 2 years ago)

After yesterday's tough ride we were bowed but not beaten. Today turned out to be much better - we did sivinty sivin miles (my phone has developed a Kiwi accent) but thanks to an occasional stretch of slightlylesshill terrain and the odd breath of tailwind we coped pretty well. It was a slow start to to the day as we navigated to the ferry terminal then waited for the boat and by the time we were in downtown Auckland it was 10am and 70 miles still to do.  Once clear of the city it was hilly as per usual.  I find it is convenient to measure hills by my speed going up and then down and this morning I had a 2.9/48.8 monster. We were heading for a camp site in Miranda at the base of the Coromandel Peninsula which one of you will know well (hi Katie).  This is a splendid place in many respects but lacks one important amenity.......we are fond of a refreshing cold sports drink ( or beer as it is known locally) at the end of the day but the campsite has no bar or shop.  This is no problem

NZ is a meat eaters paradise and most pub menus are heavily meat-based.  Steak and lamb shank are ubiquitous at about ten quid but occasionally the anti is raised and a double lamb shank is offered for a few dollars more.  Trust me, once you have had a double lamb shank there is no going back! We had  jolly tea in the Waipu pub and a good night's sleep and woke to find a huge wind blowing straight from the southwest.  It was 76 very hilly miles today and with the wind we had to fight for every mile.  For the first 50 miles we followed highway 1, though the traffic was light as today is a public holiday and few trucks were running.  We then turned off to follow the Hibiscus Coast (so called because the proper name of Hilly as a Bastard Coast would deter the tourists).  In total we climbed about 7000 feet (which is plenty) and I reckon our ride equated to a 100 miles of normal terrain.  We are on the northern outskirts of Auckland, holed up in a motel and cooking pasta to fix a prett

A trying day!  We were staying in an 8  bed dorm at the YHA so we did our very best to wake all the backpackers as we rose and packed for the day.  While getting the bikes ready mine fell over and when we set off I discovered that I had cracked my carbon handlebar.  Bugger. The bike was rideable provided I put no weight on the right-hand end so we set off into 20 miles of North Islands very finest hills. Buggering bugger.  Although it was difficult  getting enough leverage on the bars I struggled over the hills and eventually is became slightlylesshilly (a Maori word that is the closest thing they have to the word 'flat'). In Whangarei we found a bike shop and I purchased some new bars and we spent a happy hour in the shop fitting these and getting everything adjusted.  It was then a fairly easy blast down highway 1 with just the logging trucks for company.  We are staying in Waipu, coincidentally in the same pub I stayed in 2 years ago.  Price of a camping pitch? 10 qu

Today was 70 hilly miles, or just miles as they are known in new Zealand.  I understand that you may be enduring snow at the moment so you will be pleased to know that it rained for most of the day.  This isn't an entirely bad thing as we were a little pink after yesterday's roasting and it was a good excuse to cover up.  It is incredibly easy to burn here - they really should do something about that hole in the ozone layer! We are spending our night in the YHA in Paihai - it is several quid cheaper than camping and with the rain forecast to continue into tomorrow camping held little appeal.  We are on the Bay of Islands, a very picturesque are about 150 miles north of Auckland. Now that the Turkish prat has finished his epic 1 hour ablute we have had a quick shower and are off for hot dead cow and fermented beverages. No photos today - too wet :-(

We took the short flight to Kaitaia on a splendid little 19 seat plane.  On these internal flights in NZ there is no airpot security....none!  You walk into the terminal and board the plane; no searches no scans, no showing your passport 11 times.  You could have a backpack full of Semtex and a nail file hidden in your shoe but nobody gives a rats.  There were 7 people on the plane, two of them were driving. We then joined a coach tour to the cape and we were finally started assembling bikes at about 12:30.  For Neil this involved covering an area the size of a football court (arena? pitch?) with bicycle parts and the content of two panniers and a bar bag.  In 10 minutes I was fully assembled and ready to go and, about 6 weeks later, so was Neil. It was just as hilly as last time but at least this time it didn't come as a horrid surprise and the hours groaning on the turbo trainer seemed to have helped.  We did 65 miles back down the peninsula (can you believe that this road - whic

The flights don't get any shorter! We breezed through Auckland airport, despite the many checks to ensure we were not bringing ebola, foot and mouth,  BSE or dandruff into the county.  Leaving the airport we were greeted by blue skies and 25 degrees C.  I can't tell you how good that feels. We will now overnight in Auckland before flying to Kaitaia in the morning, after which we will hitch a lift to the cape on a tour bus.  We have checked in, showered, shaved but sadly not shat (36 hours of sitting in planes and airports plays havoc with the normal biological processes) so now we must kill a couple of hours before bed.  There is a pub next door. Bye.