Grumpy Old Men On Bikes

Airlines are stupid.  Or rather, airline rules are stupid.  Since 9/11, when air travel stopped being fun, airlines have invested hugely in the invention of stupid rules, mostly designed to respond to the most recent terrorist atrocity (rather than anticipate the next) or just to generally piss people off.  I offer you the following examples from my own experience as a cyclist who flies a bit:   ·          After 9/11 the knee-jerk reaction was to ban anything that might be used as a weapon.  This made perfect sense but, as always, the implementation was witless and heavy-handed.  It is hard to imagine even the most committed terrorist trying to hijack a plane armed only with eyebrow tweezers!   The real joke is that, while security were busy confiscating nail clippers, the airlines were still serving in-flight champagne to the people up the pointy end in proper glass flutes.  Now I'm no expert on hand t...

If, like me, you are quite interested in space exploration then you will know Jim Lovell as 'The bloke who didn't get to the moon'.  Well, in the world of cycle touring I am 'The bloke who didn't ride an end-to-end of New Zealand'!  Jim will have to take his failure to the grave but I can have another crack at it.   I am a man with time to waste (what's that?  the house needs decorating?  surely I did that last millennium?)  so it is time to head back to NZ.  This time I am allowing a full 4 weeks which should make it very do-able and I am taking a chum - Neil; he started out as a customer but is now a friend and this will be our 5th trip together.  I have learned the hard way that I need company to persevere when the going gets tough and Neil is excellent company, though I fear I will spend a lot of time watching his distant figure as he waits for me on the top of hills.  Neil is my age but very fit.....to give you some measure ...

It is about a year ago that I last used this title.  I had considered quietly forgetting to report on the outcome of my attempt to ride 10,000 miles in 2014, but I figure the absence of a smug blog on December 31st will have given the game away anyhow.  I didn't even get close!  OK, since you are pressing me, I did a little under 7000 miles (head hung in shame).  It was, for me, an ambitious target given that I had a business to run and am a lazy sod.    This year my resolve is stiffened (ooh err missus) and I have plenty of time so I will have another crack at it.  I have made a good start with training (600 miles so far) and I will get another 1800 miles under my belt before the end of Feb (I'll tell you all about it in the next blog) so I am hopeful.    As usual, I must put my modest aims and achievements in the context of what the bigger boys can manage.  Let me introduce you to the guy in the photo....Tommy Goodwin was b...

Researchers at King's College London have just wasted a good deal of time and money establishing that there is little physical difference between cyclists aged 79 and those aged 55 if they maintain similar levels of exercise ( http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11326136/Ageing-does-not-have-to-bring-poor-health-and-frailty-say-Kings-College-scientists.html ).   They could have just asked me and then spent  a few months down the pub drinking the research grant!  Over the last 4 years I have met cyclists of all shapes, sizes, abilities and ages but it is regularly those that should be at home watching the grass grow that amaze me the most.  For example:   Ø One of our tour leaders who is now in his late 60's but can still churn out a 200km sportive in around 10 hours.  Just a few years ago he completed the Paris-Brest-Paris (1200km in less than 90 hours!!!)   Ø My nemesis from New Zealand - Frank Burns - who rode over 21...

Hardest day's cycling I have ever done.  Only 64 miles but almost 10000 feet climbed, most of them at 10% or worse. Our day got off to an exciting start when our first big hill took us to......a dead end.  So be backtracked 2 miles, gritted our teeth and rode through the 3 mile tunnel under the hill.  Cycling isn't allowed and we got hooted at. After that we slogged up hills all day, before a 12 mile scream down to Breno where I lie comatose on the bed.  On the downhill I had to brake so much that my front tube deconstructed itself - the valve became unglued.  The rims were too hot to touch! No jokes today - too knackered.  Tomorrow we do it all again.  Bugger.

Actually I'm in bed in just my pants drinking beer......but I survived the Alps.  Last night I had a damn good go at repaying the calorie debt I had accumulated but  we then both slept badly thanks to a torrential thunderstorm. We set out with some trepidation.  To my amazement the legs weren't too bad and were delivering low but steady thrust as we started a long slow climb that filled the morning.  We then threw all the altitude gain away and started all over again, this time it was serious bottom gear stuff as we climbed 4000 feet, through Switzerland and back into Italian Livigno.  To be strictly accurate Neil climbed a little more than me as he has an upset stomach and regularly climbed into the trees to do what bears do best. The climb was mostly OK but suddenly we both hit a wall and we think that the thinner air may be to blame.  The last 700 feet of climb were done at 3mph with much stopping and quite a bit of swearing. At the top the heavens opene...

Hardest day's cycling I have ever done.  Only 64 miles but almost 10000 feet climbed, most of them at 10% or worse. Our day got off to an exciting start when our first big hill took us to......a dead end.  So be backtracked 2 miles, gritted our teeth and rode through the 3 mile tunnel under the hill.  Cycling isn't allowed and we got hooted at. After that we slogged up hills all day, before a 12 mile scream down to Breno where I lie comatose on the bed.  On the downhill I had to brake so much that my front tube deconstructed itself - the valve became unglued.  The rims were too hot to touch! No jokes today - too knackered.  Tomorrow we do it all again.  Bugger.

The only reason I ever got into cycling was to combat a rapidly growing gut and a corresponding increase in blood pressure.  It had got to the point where the doctor was considering prescribing statins and so I decided to see if I could do anything about it by myself.  In the following 9 months, by cycling a lot and eating a little, I reduced my weight from approaching 16 stone to a tad under 13 and my blood pressure from 150/95 to 120/80.   As a happy accident I found a wonderful new hobby and, eventually, a completely new way of life.  However, God would obviously prefer me to be an unfit fat bloke and any time I turn my back the pounds (of weight and blood pressure) pile back on.  I returned from Spain in early December at the end of my 'season'.  Although I felt in reasonable shape, a quick check with the scales and sphygmomanometer (that is a blood pressure gauge to you!) told me it was time to get back into rehab.  Since then I have ...

If you are a non-cyclist you may be dimly aware that it has been a tad chilly of late.  If, like me, you are desperately trying to get fit and loose some turkey ready for a fairly major cycling challenge in a few weeks time you will know exactly how chuffing cold it has been.  In sheer desperation I have had to set up the turbo trainer.  This instrument of torture allows the bike to be attached to a friction roller and mine is a fairly high-end model with a connection to the computer which allows my pedalling to propel me through a video of a real cycle ride, with the friction on the roller being adjusted to simulate the hills.  It is a clever bit of kit and completely captures the experience of cycling.....oh yes, apart from all the bits that actually make cycling enjoyable.  The ONLY redeeming feature of a turbo trainer is that it allows one to cycle in the warm. The computer link displays a range of statistics such as speed, distance covered, cadence and calo...