Chant No. 1 (Don't Need This Pressure On)

Airlines are stupid.  Or rather, airline rules are stupid.  Since 9/11, when air travel stopped being fun, airlines have invested hugely in the invention of stupid rules, mostly designed to respond to the most recent terrorist atrocity (rather than anticipate the next) or just to generally piss people off.  I offer you the following examples from my own experience as a cyclist who flies a bit:

 

·         After 9/11 the knee-jerk reaction was to ban anything that might be used as a weapon.  This made perfect sense but, as always, the implementation was witless and heavy-handed.  It is hard to imagine even the most committed terrorist trying to hijack a plane armed only with eyebrow tweezers!   The real joke is that, while security were busy confiscating nail clippers, the airlines were still serving in-flight champagne to the people up the pointy end in proper glass flutes.  Now I'm no expert on hand to hand combat but anyone who has spent a Friday night in a London pub will tell you that a broken glass makes a much better weapon than an emery board.

·         A few years ago Virgin Atlantic suddenly decided they would not allow cycle helmets to be carried in the plane because they represented a 'security risk'.  Quite apart from the fact that they patently aren't, and I could find nobody who could offer any vaguely reasonable justification, the rule was a farce because they had no way of enforcing it.  If you turned up at check-in holding a cycle helmet they would turn you away but put it in your backpack, or even just in a Tesco bag, and they were none the wiser.  Since no other airline had the rule, airport security couldn't give a stuff - so once you were past check-in you were home free.

·         For years we were told that we must turn off our mobile phones during the flight because their transmissions might interfere with the plane's electronic systems.  Common sense told me this wasn't true:  on a full Boeing 747 there are 350+ people, virtually all of whom will be carrying a mobile phone.  The chances that every single one of these has been turned off is pretty remote.  I am prepared to bet that at least one phone has been left activated on every single flight since the rule was introduced, yet I have never read of a plane crash being attributed to mobile phone interference.  The final proof that it is cobblers is that, now the airlines have worked out how to connect phones on planes to the phone network (and, crucially, CHARGE FOR IT) we can make calls to our heart's content.  Not one penny of the money spent making this possible was for shielding of the existing avionics!

 

Now to the real point of this particular rant.....why, oh why, do airlines still persist in telling you to deflate your bike's tyres?  Somehow I scraped an A-level in physics but I only understood about 1% of what was taught and can remember only 1% of that.  Even with this pitiful knowledge of the laws governing our universe I can tell you that deflating bike tyres is a complete waste of time. 

 

At sea-level atmospheric pressure is, by definition, 1 Atmosphere (or  about 15psi).  In space it is, near as damn it, 0.  Therefore the absolute maximum possible pressure difference between Heathrow check-in and cruising altitude is 15psi.  At 40,000 feet the difference is actually about 12 psi. 

 

Your average 'racing' bike with skinny tyres has them inflated to about 120psi.  So, the effect of putting them in an unpressurised hold is an increase in pressure of 10%.  Imagine if tyres exploded if you accidentally over-inflated them by 10%!!!  Leaving aside the fact that the tyres are NOT going to explode, what would happen if they did?  Absolutely nothing.  Every cyclist has, at some time, had a tyre blow and it makes a small bang and goes flat.  Nearby windows don't shatter,  passing crows don't fall stunned to the ground and you don't have to dig fragments of red-hot wheel rim out of your legs.

 

I used to try and have this discussion with the drone working on check-in but quickly learned that when asked 'Have you deflated your tyres' it is easiest to just lie and say 'yes'.    

 

As you may have guessed, we are checked in for the long haul down under and our bikes are hopefully in the hold ready to explode shortly after take-off.  We are in the Terminal 3 business lounge where I am attempting to regain the 20lbs I have shed, using nothing but complimentary peanuts!