Bad
The boat sailed 4.5 hours late!
I like New Zealand. Quite a lot. BUT there are a few things that need sorting out and here are some examples, plucked at random from my brain in the odd moment when I am not being spectacularly sick.
Garden centres - these are always bad, horrible, evil places but somewhat redeemed by the normal inclusion of a nice cafe. In NZ they have about 3 garden centres per head of population BUT NO CAFES. This must be fixed!
Cars - or more specifically young people's cars are stupid and a bloody nuisance. They conform to a very precise code:
- start with a Japanese hatch or coupe, preferably a Mitsubishi or Subaru
- remove the tyres and just paint the rims black
- further lower the car by removing the suspension
- fit a huge, stick-on spoiler (something the size of an Airbus wing at the absolute minimum)
- Take a very large empty can (an old galvanised dustbin would be perfect) and attach it to the exhaust
- remove the brake and accelerator and replace both by a simple switch that toggles between maximum braking and maximum acceleration
- now drive it like a complete w*&%er
The Man - in many countries we see the effect of slick multi-national corporate ownership of businesses. In NZ it is all wonderfully local and homespun but every small business owner seems to have read a book that says you must have a slick slogan, mission statement, corporate values and a catchy logo. Lacking the resources and funds to do this properly they have just ploughed ahead. Go into a little cafe in the arse end of nowhere and they will have a logo drawn by a 5 year-old, a nice plaque stating that it is their mission to serve coffee...in a choice of cup sizes and a list of their 'values', though 'we believe that tourists are idiots who can be fleeced of 6 dollars for a coffee' is inexplicably missing.
Corner shops - known here as Dairies or Superettes. I'm all for local shops and, as a hungry cyclist in a country where supermarkets can be 100 miles apart, they can be a life-saver. BUT....get some stock! The shelves usually have 1 of each item but, far from being an example (like a sort of 3D catalogue), what you see is the total stock. Cycling as a twosome requires regular negotiation as to who gets the biscuits and who must have the crisps.
TV - where TV is concerned it is very much a case of 'welcome to New Zealand where the local time is 1974'. Not only can the free channels be counted on the fingers of one hand but the quality of the local output is dire. Apparently the only things of interest to the average Kiwi at breakfast time is cartoons.....or fishing. In the evenings it is buggy racing.....or fishing.
Prices - NZ is expensive but that is fair enough. What bugs me is their insistence on pricing everything to end in 99 cents then minting no coin smaller than a 5 cent piece. At least in Greece they gave you a few sweets for change but here you present an item priced at 3.99 and they say 'that will be 4 dollars please'. Bloody crooks.
If anyone ever releases a song called 'Good' I'll tell you about some of the many better aspects of New Pieland.
I like New Zealand. Quite a lot. BUT there are a few things that need sorting out and here are some examples, plucked at random from my brain in the odd moment when I am not being spectacularly sick.
Garden centres - these are always bad, horrible, evil places but somewhat redeemed by the normal inclusion of a nice cafe. In NZ they have about 3 garden centres per head of population BUT NO CAFES. This must be fixed!
Cars - or more specifically young people's cars are stupid and a bloody nuisance. They conform to a very precise code:
- start with a Japanese hatch or coupe, preferably a Mitsubishi or Subaru
- remove the tyres and just paint the rims black
- further lower the car by removing the suspension
- fit a huge, stick-on spoiler (something the size of an Airbus wing at the absolute minimum)
- Take a very large empty can (an old galvanised dustbin would be perfect) and attach it to the exhaust
- remove the brake and accelerator and replace both by a simple switch that toggles between maximum braking and maximum acceleration
- now drive it like a complete w*&%er
The Man - in many countries we see the effect of slick multi-national corporate ownership of businesses. In NZ it is all wonderfully local and homespun but every small business owner seems to have read a book that says you must have a slick slogan, mission statement, corporate values and a catchy logo. Lacking the resources and funds to do this properly they have just ploughed ahead. Go into a little cafe in the arse end of nowhere and they will have a logo drawn by a 5 year-old, a nice plaque stating that it is their mission to serve coffee...in a choice of cup sizes and a list of their 'values', though 'we believe that tourists are idiots who can be fleeced of 6 dollars for a coffee' is inexplicably missing.
Corner shops - known here as Dairies or Superettes. I'm all for local shops and, as a hungry cyclist in a country where supermarkets can be 100 miles apart, they can be a life-saver. BUT....get some stock! The shelves usually have 1 of each item but, far from being an example (like a sort of 3D catalogue), what you see is the total stock. Cycling as a twosome requires regular negotiation as to who gets the biscuits and who must have the crisps.
TV - where TV is concerned it is very much a case of 'welcome to New Zealand where the local time is 1974'. Not only can the free channels be counted on the fingers of one hand but the quality of the local output is dire. Apparently the only things of interest to the average Kiwi at breakfast time is cartoons.....or fishing. In the evenings it is buggy racing.....or fishing.
Prices - NZ is expensive but that is fair enough. What bugs me is their insistence on pricing everything to end in 99 cents then minting no coin smaller than a 5 cent piece. At least in Greece they gave you a few sweets for change but here you present an item priced at 3.99 and they say 'that will be 4 dollars please'. Bloody crooks.
If anyone ever releases a song called 'Good' I'll tell you about some of the many better aspects of New Pieland.
Comments
Post a Comment