Grumpy Old Men On Bikes

Yes, it is an album title but we have been through this before.....my blog, my rules! You will probably laugh at me (so nothing new there) but I use a little spreadsheet to track progress against my target of 12,000 mile in 2017.  The green line is a simple linear target based on 231 miles per week, while the red line reflects the likely riding conditions and any known plans that will impact on miles (for better or for worse). Because I am magnificent I am finishing the first 3 months bang on the green line and a splendid 600 miles ahead of the red line.  Better still, I have met or exceeded my weekly red line target every single week.  Next week will be 'nil points' as I have a week of R&R in Majorca (sans velo) but then I have a jolly 1100 mile ride from Paris to Prague and on to Berlin - a research trip for Bike Adventures -so I will be comfortably ahead of even the green line by the end of April.  May and June also involve longish trips so I have h

All finished and chickens hatched and counted.  Yesterday we did a very lazy 45, passing through downtown Miami before finishing at our motel, close to the airport.  We then spent an hour in the hot sun locating a bike shop that could sell (yes, sell.....in every other country they are free) us a couple of  cardboard bike boxes.  We then had to haul them 1.5 miles back to the motel.  After all this we were hot and very, VERY thirsty.  We poped to the gas station for some sports drink and.......disaster........no IPA.  We made do with a very second best Sam Adams. Today we really had nothing to do and a flight that doesn't leave until 21:40 so we went for a ride in the sun.  55 miles later we are back and have packed the bikes and are waiting for the bar to open.  Before anyone makes any comments, the washrooms are in the bar so we HAVE to go in there.  I will perform a cunning trick that will transform a sweaty cyclist into a fragrant traveller using nothing but a soapy so

Bridge Over Troubled Water With the prospect of a 108 mile day we were up at 5:30 to get a good base-layer of fuel at the diner next to the motel.  A generous helping of corned beef hash, scrambled eggs and hash browns later and we were on the road.  The headwind was huge and we battled our way to the 7 mile bridge.  Unlike New Zealand's 90 mile beach it is actually 7 miles long and there is nowhere to hide from the wind.  10mph was all we could manage.  In the middle of the bridge is a hump to allow boats to pass beneath.  On the DOWNSLOPE of this hump, riding as hard as we could, we made 9 mph. After that things picked up.  The wind was blowing very slightly from the right and for much of the way there was a screen of trees than shielded us from the worst.  Then I discovered a satnav error which meant the day would 'only' be 102 miles.  We were magnificent! Golden Years We are now in Florida City feeling pretty pleased with ourselves.  We have rehydrated on G

The song is by Seasick Steve.....enough said.  The sea was rough and it was touch and go whether my breakfast was going to reappear.. The song would have been MUCH better if it had been Never Go East.  The ride from Key West is fairly easterly and the wind was on our noses for 32.3 miles.  I counted every tenth.  The Keys are probably lovely but I spent the afternoon looking at my front wheel. Although we didn't have much time to dally,  Key West looked like a nice place.  Very laid back and Caribbean in style and I suspect you are never far away from a party.  We cycled out past Merica's most southerly point and started on route that is basically endless causeways and bridges linking a few small islands.  Tomorrow we are promised a SEVEN MILE bridge! We have a big day ahead of us....108 miles and the prospect of more headwinds.  Buggering buggery  bugger.

I am late filing this entry - no particular reason other than a lack of commitment.  It seems that God isn't quite as pleased with me as I imagined.  He served up a big wind which started from the side but ended up bang on our noses for the last 20 or so.  Slogging away flat-out at 10mph isn't half as much fun. We made it to Ft Myers and went to an excellent sports bar for yet more burgers and IPA - an almost perfectly balanced diet for athletes such as us.  Merican sports bars always have lots of TVs but this one set a new record of 40 (I didn't use the toilets so there may have been more). This morning we were up early for a quick breakfast and a 13 mile dash to the ferry terminal and I am writing this from the poop deck, waiting for take off.  The ferry is a pedestrian catamaran that does the 120 miles to Key West in about 3.5 hours........I am wondering how many times I can vomit but feel that 20 should be easily within my grasp. When we get off we are prom

Lip Up Fatty Last night we went to another Chinese Buffet.  For all my big talk we are complete amateurs at the 'eat all you can' game.  We were the lightest people in the place by at least 100 lbs and there were some seriously hungry (well, greedy) diners.  The guy at the table next to us was probably over 400 lbs and was demolishing plate after plate piled to about 6 inches high. Shout You would be forgiven for assuming that pick-up truck drivers are not the nicest people.  After all, anyone who chooses to drive a 5 litre, V8 behemoth, and whose favourite pastimes are drink-driving and littering sounds pretty objectionable right?  Oh contraire.  They are very nice guys who like to offer a friendly and encouraging salutation to cyclists from their window as they scream past so close you can smell the beer on their breath.  "Get off the road asshole" is popular but there are many variations. Oranges and Lemons Well, actually just Oranges.  We must hav

Well, I have left the  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Not only was the underwear hot it is quite difficult to keep clean in a hotel sink, but the final straw was the alcohol thing which, it turns out, is non-negotiable.  I checked all the small print and apparently even beer is counted as alcohol so it clearly wasn't a viable religion for me. I have decided not to join any of the others either as they all seem to have petty rules about loving ones brother or not coveting ones neighbours' arse.   Instead I have formed the Shimano Church of Later in the Day Drinkers.  I am busily writing some commandments and am fund-raising to buy the O2 Arena as a temporary church until we can afford a proper big one. I have been in Merica for a week now and it is finally time to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  The news here is filled with reports of Donald's latest shinnanagins, though the reporting seems surprisingly none-judgemental; presumably they don

From now on I suppose I must work entirely from the Osmonds' back catalogue for my titles.  This one, by Little Jimmy, couldn't be more apt, since knocking on people's doors and ringing on their bells is pretty much what being a Mormon is all about.  When they start tapping on the window too, I think you are entitled to tell them to sod off! I must say that I have some reservations following my conversion to mormonism.  As mentioned, the underwear is really hot, but I have found a much bigger problem. It seems that we are not allowed alcohol.  For now I am assuming this is a misprint.....surely Donny enjoys a dry sherry after a busy day compering crap British game shows? While I check out the alcohol thing I am considering other faiths.  I willnprobably pick something based on the size of their church.  Since even the tiniest Merican church is about the size of Wembly Stadium it isn't easy to be sure I have found the biggest. Anyway, the cycling thing.....

This morning we stopped for a cold drink at a gas station and I found an abandoned Book of Mormom.  Or at least it LOOKED abandoned, but I believe that it was God's will that I should find it and become a follower of the faith.  I have tried reading it and it is utter bollocks.....but I have just had a quick peak at the Gideon bible in my motel room and when it comes to writing bollocks the Mormons have some stiff competition.  So I am now a Mormon.  Tomorrow I will go and get my teeth whitened  and choose some more wives but I have already found a couple of drawbacks: 1/  Missionary work really eats into beer drinking time, and 2/ The special underwear is a bit warm for Florida. The song de jour is taken the stage musical 'The Book of Mormon'.  If you are not easily offended and can see the funny side of all religions it us well worth going to see.  Last night we got tasty fried chicken from the local supermarket and sat outside our motel room watching the