Grumpy Old Men On Bikes

So, just to wrap things up.  Flight to Auckland done, night in hotel airport done.  Flight(s) to UK later today.  One more night which will be spent at 35000 feet then home. I don't expect much sympathy but for me this trip has been work and I have, in effect, 'worked' 30 days straight.  So it is time for a little R&R .  On March 17th a group of 5 of us - myself, Nick Harris, Keith & Chris Gibbs and Neil Plumridge (my roomie from last year's Specific Coast jaunt)  - fly to Florida for a week of cycling in the sun.  We have a luxury Condom (I think that is the right word) just round the corner from Mickey's house and will do day rides around the wonderfully flat Florida countryside.  It's a hard life :-)

If anyone has endured these witterings since last February they may recall that in Queenstown there was an unfortunate incident involving a very small towel and a locked hostel door. It was with some trepidation that I checked in to the same hostel last night........Would my photo be on the 'banned customers' board? Would Fritz still be trying to lure me into his room? Would I get locked out wearing nothing but a flannel again? The answer was thrice NO. Yes, we are back in Queenstown. Yesterday they all went on a cruise up Milford Sound which, according to the group smart arse, isn't a sound at all but a Fjord. Judging by the photies it was pretty cool and I wish I could have gone. Instead I spent the day hauling bikes and bags back to Queenstown then going back to haul people up the same road. 380 miles in total :-( As an author ( I have decided that writing a blog technically make me a published author!) there is always the risk of writer's block,

We were in Mossburn last night and not Murchison as reported in the previous entry. I expect that you have all been busy plotting our progress using a Junior World Atlas and were confused as hell by our apparent leap backwards by about a week. Today was our last day of riding and for crows this required a paltry 35 miles, so my route took a detour to Manipouri just to keep them busy and make it a more manly 50. Despite this they were all done by 1pm. This trip has been about passing through and seeing this incredible country and the end point is somewhat arbitrary; Consequently there were no high fives or other vulgarity but I hope everyone is feeling good about our 3+ week journey of 1200 miles. Packing the bikes seemed to take an age - in some cases longer than others......you know who you are ;-). But, since the sun still has a splendidly large hat on, this was all done in the motel garden and was really just sunbathing with greasy hands. Tomorrow they have an excursio

Through a mixture of connectivity issues and general laziness there is a bit of catching up to do! In the Middle of the Night  Our stay in the Makarora sheds was great and I think everyone appreciated that the rather basic accommodation was a price worth paying.  Overnight there was heavy rain which fell as snow on the higher ground so we awoke with distant white peaks all around us.  The ride to Wanaka is stunning in any circumstances but with clear skies and the snow-capped mountains it brought a grin to everyone's face. Jessica Everyone was in to Wanaka nice and early and did whatever took their fancy.  I took advantage of a nice hotel room to do exactly nothing but watch awful kiwi television but then...........bloody Norah!!!!   The first episode of the latest Top Gear series.  Oh bliss. Blowin In The Wind On Monday we did the 52 mile ride to Queenstown BUT using the highest paved road in NZ, over the Crown Range.  The day is basically up and over o

If my 'earthquake' blog would have got me an A* at Geography I am about to make an admission that would get an F. Being British, and therefore from the country that founded civilisation, I have become so used to world maps placing Britain in the centre that it hadn't really occurred to me that there was any other presentation. Down Under, despite owing everything to the British the cheeky sods put the Specific in the middle with the great land masses arranged in an arc around the top and sides. To my astonishment (Geography failure coming up), I now see that it would be possible to Cycle from the Cape of Good Hope to Cape Horn with only the very briefest sea voyage across the bearing strait. I have no idea how far this is but I'm betting it is much further than the normal 'round the world' jaunt. So that is my retirement sorted out. Only kidding girls ;-)

Well, OK, actually Makarora. I stayed here last year and the view remains just as fantastic. The southern alps serve to separate the wet west coast from the sunny interior and, sure enough, having cut through the alps using Haast Pass they say it hasn't rained here for over 2 weeks. It better not rain tonight because a) I am camping and b) this is the BEST place for star gazing so I am hoping for clear skies. Tonight the riders are staying in 'cabins' which, as noted before, means sheds. But, cleverly, these are 'A' Frame cabins which gives them a bit of a Swiss chalet look and nobody seems to mind. In any case the views make up for a bit of discomfort. While writing this my last two riders have arrived so it is erection time.

I got the part and all is now well with the fleet. During my chair-based vigil for the postman I spent some time chatting to the manager of my hotel. Until the earthquake he had a thriving cafe in downtown Christchurch. After the earthquake he had the clothes he was wearing and a mobile phone! It seems that the lovely insurance companies exploited every loophole they could find to wriggle out of their obligations and, for private individuals and small businesses, settlements ran at about half what was lost. I clearly still hadn't appreciated the magnitude of the quake or it's impact. In the San Francisco earthquake about 25percent of the building stock was lost. In Christchurch it was 50 percent. The rebuilding cost in SF represented 2.5 percent of the countries GDP but in New Zealand it is estimated at FORTY percent. Quite apart from the buildings actually damaged by the quake there are huge areas where the buildings are fine but the underlying ground has as bee

It is now Thursday and we are in Fox Glacier but there is still no polar bear on a mint. We are staying in the Bella Vista motel but the vista is only really bella if you can find somewhere to stand with the motel behind you. We have been joined by two more riders plus their partners (who will follow in a car and play tourist) making the group 10 in all. It is a rest day and this afternoon two of the newbies are going sky diving so that is probably the last we will see of them! The rest have gone to look at lakes or hike the glacier or some such, leaving me to wait for a vital part being couriered from Greymouth. Yesterday was mostly filled with driving back to Greymouth to collect an allegedly fixed bike but when we got there we found that the extent of the repair was that they had ordered an unnecessary replacement for a perfectly good part. Electronic gears are still a novelty here and the mechanic had clearly never worked on them so I spent a couple of hours helping him

Yesterday was a very lovely sunny ride from Westport to Greymouth with classic coastal riding. Today it has rained non-stop (who said 'serves them right'?). To make matters worse, two of my riders had an accident, the first slipping crossing some rail tracks and the second ploughing into the result. One rider was OK with just a few cuts and bruises but the other has taken quite a battering and has a magnificent lump the size of an egg on his upper thigh. His bike has also suffered, with a complete failure of his fancy electronic gears. The bike is now back in Greymouth waiting for parts and I have the joy of a 130 mile round trip tomorrow to collect it. We are staying in Hari Hari which has a pub, a shop, a small rather dated motel and a duck. Here, for rather obvious reasons, is a picture from yesterday.

Sorry for the deluge of blog entries but it is Sunday! The other day I mentioned how nice the kiwi high street is but, since then, I have started to realise that the cancer of the 'global high street' has started to take hold, and in the worst possible way........Subway. There is absolutely nothing wrong with their sandwiches ( as far as I know) and they are tasty and good value BUT the company itself is the work of the devil. I could mention the fact that they employ the very worst kind of minimum wage imbecile; once in a Subway in Merica I was asked where my accent was from. 'England' I explained. 'Wow, England! That's in Paris isn't it?'. Cretin! But that isn't my main beef with Subway. It is all the damn questions. To successfully obtain some food you have to endure an interrogation that makes The Spanish Inquisition seem positively mild. Not only must you choose your length, filling, bread type and cheese type but then you mus

This one is so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. It is Sunday and we have been following the Buller valley AND......drum roll.....it was PLEASANT.  No?  Sod you then! The weather continues to hold (tee he) and everyone is now sporting a tan of some description.  The hole in the ozone layer means that the sun here is very strong so as well as brown we have several shades of red and even some peeling skin from earlier grillings.  The routine of applying slop is, for me, supplemented by the need to apply insect repellent because my chair locations are often infested with sand flies.  These little bastards are almost too small to see but have a wicked bite and seem to be happy just about anywhere, not just in sand. Everyone was finished early today so it is time for a serious eyelid inspection in the garden. E

Today we cut inland from Nelson for the longish haul to Murchison - at 77 miles it is the longest ride of the trip and requires cycling up two long valleys with stiff climbs over the passes at the head of each. It was another glorious day and my chair has been given a serious testing as I waited at the top of each climb. We have now joined 'my' route (the route I took last year) and it is even prettier than I remember.  Perhaps not having eyes full of sweat and being able to lift my head from time to time just allows me to appreciate it more. We are staying in Murchison, a small town in the Buller valley and the A&P show is on.  This is a bit like a county fair crossed with a rodeo with a bit of fun fair thrown in for good measure.  It explains why I had so much trouble booking rooms here an my riders are in the Hampden 'Hotel' - really a pub with rooms above.  It is a bit basic and very lively and a bit of a shock after the very lovely motels we have been

Money for nothing After spending the morning sitting in the park I popped back and had another look in Capital Cycles in case there was any item of stock that I had not already purchased then, by way of a change, I spent the afternoon on the beach. Never has earning a living been more arduous.  I even had to eat this chuffing great ice cream Unfortunately being a very hot day it melted very quickly and, being a very windy day, the liquid ice cream got blown all over me...I looked like I had been pebble-dashed. By the way, Wellington harbour looks like this: Ferry across the Mersey I am feeling rather pleased with myself as I wasn't sick on the ferry.  This is something of a first for me.  I passed the time watching Pacific Rim,  possibly the crappiest film I has seen in the last 10 years.   Blinded by the light I am aware that, back in blighty, the monsoon continues and that babies are now being born with webbed feet but here in New Pieland the sun had one it's very largest hat

Thanks to the change in ferry time we have a whole day to kill in Wellington and the group are making various plans to do tourist stuff while I am just looking forward to a lazy day. Wellington is a great city, very compact with a real buzz......and it has trolley buses which is often the sign of a good city. The fact that it is warm with clear skies also helps a bit. Last night we went to an Irish bar in the very centre of the downtown area and I was expecting the meal to be a tad pricey but I had a 1lb steak (not a typo, it was the size of a baseball glove) and chips for 8 quid.......EIGHT! As I had already observed last year, it seems that it is more expensive here to buy food and cook it than to go to a restaurant and let someone else do it. I think the most I have paid for an evening meal is about £13. I now have a replacement bank card and, unfortunately, Wellington has some excellent bike shops so I have asked to be tied to a lamp post for the day to avoid bankrupting

Last night we were struggling to find anywhere to eat in Otaki so, since it was a mild evening and we had picnic tables on a lawn at the back of the hotel, we decided to pick up a take-away curry. Very tasty it was too, though the jhalfrezi was a bit incandescent. Today was a bit trying. We have to get to New Zealand's capital, Wellington, and towards the southern tip of north Island it all gets a bit busy and built up. I had come up with a rather cunning route that missed all but 8k of the busy Highway 1 using a mix of minor coastal roads and some bike trails but Google Maps let me down rather badly. Queen Elizabeth park turned out not to be all manicured lawns and shruberies but a wildness of dunes and the 'cycle path' turned out to be a mix of mountain bike trails and just plain nothing. Somehow everyone either got through or found their way to the far side on Highway 1. The next challenge was a junction where, thanks to two consecutive Welcome to Tawa s

The Boys From Down Under Actually this is Men At Work's ONLY hit as far as I know.  My Boys From Down Under are actually 2 boys and 4 girls.  At least one of the girl's is following this blog so I suppose I had better say something nice about them. When you plan to spend a month with a group, albeit a group you have met before, there is always the worry that someone will turn out to be an a£&@hole.  However, I am happy to report that I have a great group.  They get on with it and do their miles without complaint , even when it is hilly/cold/hot/wet (we have had then all) and everyone makes  a real effort to get along.  For a trip like this which, for some, may be a 'trip of a lifetime' the responsibility weighs heavy on me but so far I get the sense that everyone is having a good time.  Long may it continue. Downtown Our first home was in Hoddesdon in Hertfordshire.  By most standards it was a rather ordinary place (though in NZ it could win 'Most Beautiful Tow

What is it with the Kiwis and their 'adrenalin sports'? I think it is true to say that bungy jumping was invented here but, since then, they have come up with a bewildering number of ways to kill yourself. White water rafting, jet boating, zorbing (throwing yourself down a hill sealed in an inflated plastic ball), tandem sky diving, lion wrestling and hand grenade juggling are on offer in virtually every town ( though I may have made up the last two). In the Gumboot Capital of the World they also offered GRAVITY CANYON. You know those little zip wires that the scouts set up at the village fete? Well Gravity Canyon is the same thing but it runs down the entire 1km length of a canyon. The oddest thing about all these thrilling ways of filling your pants is that they seem to be sufficiently popular that the operators can charge pretty much whatever they like. The 1000 meter zip wire, for example, costs an impressive £80. If you have any adrenalin, or money, l

So, if it is Sunday it must be time for the supplement.  Lots of banging tunes to use: Ain't No Sunshine Something has gone horribly wrong with the weather :-(.  It rained heavily for most of Saturday morning as we headed south from Taupo; it was warm and muggy but pretty wet.  By mid-afternoon it perked up and we had a few hours sunshine but today it is spotting with rain and quite chilly.  Bugger. I Can See For Miles We spent Saturday night on the edge of the Tongariro National Park - a high plateau and home to 3 chuffing great volcanos.  We had 360 degree views of sensational scenery and were completely shut off from civilization.  We stayed in the Discovery Heritage Park, at least 10k from anything and more like 40k from anything worth getting to.  The photo is of one of the volcanos but it is mostly hidden by it's own little weather system.   Dead End Street Although we are in the middle of nowhere there is a side turning about a mile back do

Our accommodation in Rotorua was excellent with spacious well equipped rooms and I took the opportunity to have a quiet night in watching videos and picnicing. Today we rode to the lakeside resort of Taupo, taking a rather indirect route to avoid the busy highway. The extra miles were well spent and there were many miles of lovely riding through classic North Island countryside. The day was about 63 miles with, inevitably, plenty of hills which should be enough for most people but one of our group, Katie, was made of sterner stuff. Having got in to the motel early she slipped into running kit and headed off to the Huka Falls........a 14 mile round trip. She didn't even have the good manners to look totally shagged when she got home!!!

It is such a shame that any time someone finds themselves with a genuine bona-fide natural wonder on their hands they decide to build a crappy town full of motels and fast-food joints round it. Take Niagara Falls for example - the falls themselves are magnificent but the town of Niagara makes Southend look positively classy.  In Rotorua the normally thick crust that stops us all burning our feet is more or less absent and the area abounds with geo-thermal activity. There are several reserves where one can watch geysers, swim in hot pools, inhale sulphurous emissions from boiling mud and generally be impressed by how 'not normal' it all is. Apparently this means that we will all also want to go Bungy jumping, ride down hills in inflatable balls, ride in jet boats and generate adrenalin in a thousand other ways as well. Because of all this you need a thousand motels and a lot of Kentucky fried chicken! Our ride to Rotorua was mostly very lovely, apart from a 10 mile stre

A quick update. Yesterday was a gloriously FLAT (I mean actually properly flat not slightlylesshillythanusual) giving the riders time to detour to a waterfall and still be in Matamata in time to catch the last tour of the Hobbiton film set tour. Matamata is now so dominated by LOTR related tourism that the tourist information office looks like this. Not exactly the rugged natural beauty we came for but people seemed to like it! Today we are of to Rotorua, home of hot springs, geysers and ploppy mud.

Tuesday and we are finally under way.  Using a mix of residential roads, some cycle paths and some other quiet roads we managed to wriggle our way out of the Auckland sprawl and we were soon in open countryside.  This being North Island it was hilly.  Eventually we hit the coast along the edge of the Firth of Thames and things flattened out and, with  a fair tailwind, my riders drifted in to Miranda between 2:30 and 3:30.  We are staying in a holiday park adjacent to a hot spring - the guests have very nice chalets and I have a bit of grass on which I have to pitch a tent.  I shouldn't grumble as this was my choice (trying to make a bit of profit on the trip) but camping really is rubbish!  There is no restaurant on the holiday park and this means there is no restaurant within 20 miles which might have been a bit of a problem.  Fortunately  the hot spring complex next door has a sort of chip shop and the guy who works down the chip shop swears he can bring round a tasty suppe

Over the years I have 'met' a number of quite famous people. By met I mostly just mean 'occupied approximately the same space' rather than anything more substantial. Easily the most famous of these is George Bush Senior.....or rather rather he WAS the most famous. Yesterday, as I was dropping people off at their hotel I met Sir Peter Leitch ( aka The Mad Butcher). In case you haven't heard of him, he is the 41st most influential person in Auckland (source: Wikipedia). Impressed huh? He was being interviewed by a film crew right outside the room of one of my riders and insisted on saying hello to us all. Apart from the obvious question of 'who the f@&?k are you?' I was also strongly minded to ask why he was being interviewed outside room 8 of the Tudor Court Motor Lodge. Thanks to wiki I have an answer to the first question but not the second! My missing bag has been returned to me so I am once again the model of fragrant sartorial elegance

I wish I could say that the last bit of my journey was uneventful.  Everything was fine until we got to. Melbourne but then the wheels came off.  During our 6 hour layover a light-fingered thief made off with my wallet - I reported it and the police were able to watch the whole thing on the CCTV playback......sadly they were also able to use the CCTV to track their progress onto a flight to Dubai taking them safely out of Australian jurisdiction. I now have the interesting challenge of running a 4 week trip with no credit cards. Bugger. Still, at least it can't get worse......or so I thought.  You know that awful feeling of watching the baggage carousel as the number of bags coming out gets fewer and fewer?  And then how, at the last moment, out pops your bag?  Well I only had the first bit. Bugger. The wonderfully charming and helpful (not) people on the baggage counter tell me that my bag is still in melbourne and may, if I am very good and stop telling them they are in