Ticket to ride

By -
Ha ha - you thought the blogging was all over for a while! I'm on a research ride from London to Paris and a tad bored so thought I'd share the boredom.

This started out as a ride for Rob and I (Bike Adventures' most senior management) plus John (our resident French speaker and annoyingly good cyclist for an old codger.....though clearly NOT management material as you will shortly see)

Rob dropped out before the start (terminal man flu) so John and I set out from the London Eye yesterday morning. Naturally I checked with John that he had a passport with him!

It was a miserable day. It rained and rained and when we arrived in Brighton we were both soaked through and shivering like crazy. To give you some idea just how cold I was - we left the pub we first tried because the coffee machine wasn't working. Yup, Steve was too cold for beer!!!

We eventually warmed up and got to the Newhaven ferry terminal where we changed into dry clothes and got ready for the short (ish) night crossing. Eventually it was time to board so we wheeled our bikes to the front of the queue, pushed in front of some cheese eaters (no, not Bob) and presented our passports. Well, to be exact, I presented my passport and John presented...........HIS WIFE'S.

So now you know why I am bored - nobody to talk to. A little tip for you - if you have cycled 70 miles in the wind and rain and must ride another 75 next day don't take a 4 hour night ferry crossing! I am very good at sleeping in moving things and I got about 2.5 hours....not enough.

Today the sun came out but the wind is still blowing a gale straight in my face so my 75 were hard work. But I made it to Beauvais from where this load of nonsense is being written.

I like to imagine the meeting at which the name of the hotel chain I am staying in was decided:

"Gentlemen, we have created a hotel that is very very cheap but strips every shred of glamour from travel. We have identified the smallest possible room configuration, the fewest possible amenities (none), and invented a special new cotton for the sheets that is both thin yet VERY scratchy. What shall we call this new marvel?"

"Erm, Cheap Shit Hotels are Us?" Said the intern.

"How about Easy Hotels, flippin it is you are or what innit? Said the Greek business coach.

"How about Premier Classe?" Said the guy who had already stuck an M3 badge on his BMW 316i.

Needless to say, M3 man won.

My hotel does absolutely nothing that it says on the tin! They even have a toothless old crone of a maid who uses her pass key to come in unannounced and stare at your cock.

Tomorrow, gay Paris. After seeing how the crone looked at my appendage I think gay is definitely the way forward.

I will go to sleep tonight wondering whether John also borrow his wife's underclothes and other personal items. Pillock!

Steve

------------------

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll/Mr Tamborine Man/I Write The Songs

By -
Image
  After an 18 month separation Plum and I are reforming the band for another tour.  The two of us, plus 6 others, are heading up to Scotlandshire for another crack at the North Cost 500.  I should probably introduce the full line-up:   Lead Singer - David.  David is the young(er) pretty one.....brother of John.  David also happens to be my Financial Adviser and is funding this trip (plus a yacht and a cocaine habit) out of what he makes from my account.   Lead Guitar - Nick.  Friend for 50 years.  At school Nick was a keen cyclist and consequently, quite rightly, bullied.  Nick has forgotten more about cycling than I will ever know.   Bass Guitar - Stuart.  Stuart and I worked together for many years; he has powerful legs and can push out big watts while looking like he is coasting.  I hate Stuart.   Keyboards - Michael.  Michael is also younger but not pretty.  Michael believes that upgrading cycle compone
Read more

If I Could Turn Back Time

By -
Image
If ever you are in the Inverness area on a Friday and looking for a lively night you could do a lot worse than avoid Muir of Ord.  Our hotel, the only pub, wasn't serving food so we walked into town where it appeared that Steven Spielberg had just finished filming some sort of post-apocalypse movie: nothing open, nobody on the streets and the odd bit of tumbleweed blowing along the pavement.  Even the fish and chip shop couldn't be arsed to open...on a FRIDAY NIGHT!  We managed to find a take-away offering a rather odd choice of kebabs and curries (served in pizza boxes for added novelty) and purchased some food which made up for in calories what it lacked in food-hygiene standards.   I recall a meeting where a few of my co-riders and I met to kick around ideas for a group ride.  We considered all sort of destinations....mostly in those parts of Europe where the weather isn't consistently shite.  I'm ashamed to say that I think it was I that th
Read more

Julia's Song

By -
Image
As some readers will know, Plum is no longer Chard's most eligible bachelor.  The lovely Julia has taken on the job that Social Services would otherwise have to do....making sure he changes his pants once a week whether they need it or not and loading routes onto his Garmin.  We are all very grateful to Julia, especially Chards most eligible bachelorettes who can get back on the dating scene now Plum is safely off the market. As we were starting our trip Julia fell, dislocated her foot and broke her Tibia so she is probably missing Plum more than usual. She has insisted that the show should go on so thanks for being such a trooper. Today was another with a shortcut that promised to turn a very hard day into something more manageable.  Some of our group took the high road and others took the low but I had a more cunning idea.....get in the van.  Whatever is ailing me, long covid or acute spinelessness, reached the point where pushing the pedals just w
Read more